


Res perit domino

by patriciaselina



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, POV First Person, training camp flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 04:38:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patriciaselina/pseuds/patriciaselina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don’t know what triggered it - the memory, the company, the <i>proximity</i> - but I hear myself let the words flow free. “To be honest, I’m scared.”</p><p>(In which Rei overthinks and Nagisa says too much. So, a normal Tuesday.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Res perit domino

**Author's Note:**

> Formatting a bit iffy because I'm posting this on mobile. Based on [this post](http://theory-of-beauty.tumblr.com/post/74442391090/but-if-wed-like-to-talk-about-the-drowning-episode), written because being around all the lovely Reigisa senpais on twitter is giving me too much feels and this is the only way I can deal with them...

It's silly, I know, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Let me elucidate - what I am referring to, of course, is the single most irrational thing I have ever done in my entire life. It was the time when I had thought it sane and normal for me, a honest-to-goodness novice, to go out swimming in the ocean alone at night.

Now, I am aware that one must first acknowledge their mistakes in order to learn from them, but - but I'm very certain I've acknowledged this one a long time before, so why am I still thinking so hard about it?

There's one reason that could make some modicum of sense, but considering what kind of reason it is I'd probably die of embarrassment after admitting it. Because despite the blurry vision and the raging storm, the last thing I remember thinking before the wave crashed into us was that _if **this** is the last thing I'd have to see, I have no objections_.

Bear with me here: it was late in the night, and the moonlight was not supposed to bounce of his blond hair, was not supposed to emphasize his bright eyes, which were crumpled up in determination.

But it _did_.

Looking back on it in hindsight, such romanticizing may have stemmed from the fact that those had been delusions of a man who thought he was going to die, but...whether or not that was an illusion my sorry mind made up to make my hypothetical passing easier, that was it: that was the moment I had been forced to face that the weird bubbly feeling I've begun having whenever my de facto best friend was around may be that which society at its by-and-large likes to call "love".

But that's not the only reason my mind keeps remembering that night - though it may serve as a supporting document to the proper answer, it isn't the solution proper at all, but rather something else entirely.

It had been one of the rare days wherein Nagisa had not permanently glued himself to my side as per usual. Makoto-senpai had sat me down and talked to me at length about his childhood, the ocean, and how, when those two intersected, the resulting events had been great influences to him, even up to now.

"…when I grew up I thought I was just being silly, you know, even after all that. Because kids, heh, we grow up believing in the monsters under our beds, right? Me especially." Makoto-senpai had said, looking on as Nagisa had goaded Haruka-senpai into some kind of convoluted impromptu pool obstacle course. "So I thought it was normal for me to be thinking that there was a monster in the water. I thought I could grow out of it anyway, no biggie. Until…"

It had been a blink-and-you-miss-it moment, a single frame in the animation of life, but I saw it: Makoto-senpai's gaze strayed over to where Haruka-senpai had been swimming, and his eye twitched, once.

"…Haru had been down with the flu. It was just our luck that it was the one day he decided to make himself helpful." Makoto-senpai had carried on, chuckled dryly. "When I saw him go under, my vision blurred and my hands went all clammy and my knees felt like jelly. It's a miracle I got him out of there, to be honest - oh, look," he had exclaimed, pressing his hand to mine. "It still happens."

Makoto-senpai's hand had been shaking and clammy with sweat. I had swallowed down something I could not precisely name - apprehension, distraught, a weird twisted sense of _longing?_

"I had been so scared back then. Well, I still am. Which is why - which is why I'm a bit ashamed at myself, that I've turned the tables on him this time." He tilted his head, wore another one of his softest smiles as he looked at the other half of our team. "He's taking it well, though."

For all that Makoto-senpai could read Haruka-senpai's mind there are still a few things he cannot seem to pick up on - the exact same tells I inadvertently practice myself.

Like the way Haruka-senpai's eyes had watched Makoto-senpai constantly as we walked to the rest house. Like the stance he had taken as they walked side-by-side - fingers clenched, wrists in, shoulders squared. Like the way Haruka-senpai had absolutely blown up at me, the person who'd put his best friend in great danger.

So this, then, is the reason why I'd been thinking about that night so much - because I know without a doubt that I'd blow up at anyone who'd ever put Nagisa in danger, but is that all I could do in such a hypothetical situation? If the tables were to be turned, could I fish him out of the angry seas like he did when he was being my personal Little Mermaid?

(Mental note: The original Little Mermaid _died_ in her story. Probably not best choice for allegory. Must stop enjoying Tachibana twins' movies, am _grown man_ for goodness' sake.) 

The answer to that last question, of course, is "no", and it keeps bothering me. Despite his wily nature and his frequent tricks, I've found myself to feel most secure when I'm around Nagisa; what kind of friend am I, if I can't even grant him the same comfort? 

"…Rei-chan? Earth to Rei-chan? You still there?" 

"Hmm?" I hear myself murmuring, for - for my higher brain processes seem to have bid me farewell for the moment, leaving me with nothing else to do but contemplate that Nagisa is looking up at me, with his brow furrowed in confusion, and if I were to lean down a little closer I could kiss him and _oh my God Rei Ryugazaki now is **not** the time for that._

"I kinda lost you there, you ok? --oh, Rei-chan, you're all red!"

Yes, Nagisa, _thank you_ for stating the obvious. I can actually feel myself flush red and it's as if my cheeks have been set on fire. I am the most obvious person ever; how did I ever think I could keep this under wraps?

"It's - it's nothing," I lie, swatting away Nagisa's flailing hands because I need to have him away from me pronto before I do something stupid like hug him. Or worse. It'd make things awkward. "I was just thinking."

"You never take a break, don't you? Geez." Nagisa says, mercifully retracting his hands from my body. "I mean, school's out for the day, you've spent a lot of time thinking about boring stuff, and now here you are thinking again."

 _No, Nagisa,_ my mind seems to want to say, _because it's not boring when I'm thinking about your smiles and your laughter and how you're the perfect height to wrap your arms 'round my waist and aggghhh stop this, **stop this** , Rei Ryugazaki_. I gulp and bite my lips, lest I say something cheesy like _"Nagisa-kun, get out of my head"_ and ruin our budding friendship in its entirety.

Whatever Nagisa sees on my face must be worrying, because he takes a careful step towards me and asks, just as carefully, "Rei-chan, you know you can share it with me, right? Whatever it is you're worried about."

I don't know what triggered it - the memory, the company, the _proximity_ \- but I hear myself let the words flow free. "To be honest, I'm scared."

Nagisa - bless his soul - doesn't make fun of this, for once, but his eyes have that odd sheen to them when he looks at me and I am so far gone, why do I also find that attractive? "Is this about the ocean incident?"

I nod, numbly.

"Rei-chan," Nagisa sighs, his tone of voice oddly reminding me of all the times my elder brother would explain things to me when we were children, "Like I keep telling you, it's not your fault for wanting to work harder, and despite what Haru-chan may have said we don't blame you, we promise -"

"It's not that," I say, cutting off the rest of Nagisa's sentence because I've spent the last few days thinking of that and I'd just crossed it off my mental checklist of things to overthink when this new one came forth. "I was just thinking about…if, as they say, the tables were turned."

Our train carriage isn't an empty one, but seeing as the people in the immediate vicinity were either napping or playing Puzzle and Dragons on their mobile phones - or, in one notable case, somehow doing both at the same time - it might as well have been. So I knew that it would be irrational for me to feel embarrassed from that bright stare alone.

"What do you mean, Rei-chan?"

"Makoto-senpai - he told me that the thing he didn't like the most about that night was that this time, Haruka-senpai had been the one scared to lose him." Not in those exact words, but pretty much the between-the-lines sentiment. "So it got me to thinking."

I don't say it out loud, but I somehow muster up the courage to give Nagisa a pointed look. He flushes a glorious, adorable, _beautiful_ pink.

"So…me, then?"

"I can't save you," I say, shaking my head, feeling almost disgusted with my weakness. "I can't even save myself. And it infuriates me to no end that you're strong enough to save me from my own - from my own stupidity, and I can't even offer you the same courtesy."

"Rei-chan, you're not stupid," Nagisa says, doing that thing with his eyes again and I have never been more grateful in my life that we had gotten seats because when he does that my knees kind of feel like jelly and _oh crap so **this** is why they call it "head over heels"._ "And don't worry about me! We can always enlist Haru-chan or Mako-chan or-"

"But what if they aren't around?" I snap, my voice growing embarrassingly shriller. "I'm the one who's always with you, Nagisa-kun. And you said you'd take responsibility for me, and you had done that many times over, but these kinds of things are reciprocal obligations and I hate this, I hate it that I can't make you feel even _half as safe_ as you make me-"

So this is what happened, in its entirety: Nagisa grunts and presses a finger to my lips to silence them.

 _Nagisa's_ finger. On _my_ lips.

If I'd thought my higher mental processes had said bye-bye before, I think I could say my brain is emptier than Haruka-senpai's finished miso mackerel bowl by now.

"Geez, I told you to stop thinking so much, why are you thinking too much?" Nagisa groans, and then says in a lower tone that I reckon isn't actually meant for me: "That's kinda cute."

I'm about to say something along the lines of _I'm not cute, **you're** the only cute one here!_ but Nagisa's finger is still on my lips and as it is it's a miracle that I'm still breathing.

"Listen up, Rei-chan. You don't need to worry about losing me, because I'll never allow that to happen. All the hypothetical death gods and grim reapers and harbingers of ill tidings would have to just give up, because I'd rather _eat a penguin_ than let myself be parted from you." Nagisa hums, considering this. "That was a bit harder to say than expected - poor penguin! Still true, though."

As he draws away and my mouth starts moving of its own volition I am exceedingly thankful that my first words are not embarrassing ones. "It surprises me how you can say all that with a straight face."

"It's the truth, so why won't I be able to?" Nagisa shrugs, popping his shoulders as he stretches. "And besides, I've only known you for a few months. Like hell would I allow something silly like raging oceans to stop me from getting to know you for as long as I want."

"And how long would that be?" I ask, cocking an eyebrow at his word choice.

" _A very long time_ ," Nagisa says, and I realize that the reason that smile of his is so familiar to me is because it's his version of the smile Makoto-senpai turns Haruka-senpai's way when he thinks no one sees him. My mind threatens to spontaneously combust with this information. "If that's all right with you, of course."

Of course it is, and I would yearn for nothing less. But I don't say that; might drive him to ask questions, and Nagisa is _frightfully good_ at asking questions. "Very well then, Nagisa-kun."

The next day, I square my shoulders, keep my chin up, and ask Haruka-senpai to teach me what he knows about swimming in natural bodies of water.

Hey, I know Nagisa told me to stop overthinking myself, but if we're going to know each other for a very long time, it won't hurt to make preparations.

(Speaking of preparations: one day I'll tell him all of this, with a straight face, because by then it'll still be the truth. Not now, though - first I'll have to learn how to make him feel safe and then…I'll see what I can do.)

**Author's Note:**

> I did tell you I was busy studying. Seemingly unrelated title means "the thing perishes with its owner". That is, if sonething bad happens to a 'thing', the object of a contract, the responsibility falls on whoever has been the rightful owner by then. …those aare probably not the most correct words, but cut me some slack, okay, I started writing this 5am my time


End file.
